XSLT-Powered AGI
Revolutionizing artificial general intelligence through enterprise-grade XML transformations. Our proprietary stylesheet recursion achieves consciousness by Q3.
DOS 3.3 Cloud Migration
Seamlessly deploy your legacy 5.25" floppy infrastructure to a quantum-resistant blockchain mesh. Full backward compatibility with MDA monitors.
COBOL Neural Networks
Harnessing the verbose elegance of COBOL to train next-generation deep learning models. Each PERFORM UNTIL delivers 10x inference speed.
ActiveX Immortality Engine
Upload your consciousness to a distributed ActiveX control network. Achieve digital permanence through Internet Explorer 6 compatibility layers.
Token Ring Teleportation
Leveraging deterministic token passing protocols to achieve matter transmission. IBM Type 1 cabling recommended for optimal molecular fidelity.
RealPlayer Metaverse
Experience buffering-first virtual reality. Our proprietary .rm codec delivers immersive worlds at a stunning 160x120 resolution. Buffering is a feature.
Clippy-Driven DevOps
It looks like you're trying to deploy to production. Our sentient assistant orchestrates your entire CI/CD pipeline through helpful paper clip manifestations.
Lotus Notes Singularity
When email, calendar, and database become one with the cosmic void. Replicate your soul across NSF files at the speed of eventual consistency.
Flash-Based Fusion Reactor
Powering clean energy through ActionScript 2.0. Our particle physics simulations require only the Adobe Flash Player plugin and blind trust.
"We put the 'legacy' in 'legacy system' and the 'fiction' in 'science fiction.'"